Hi friends. Welcome back if you’re an OG subscriber and a warm welcome if you’re new here! This Thursday Thread is where I pose a question and we share perspective, experience, and insights in the comments. Sharing space and reading all of your responses is the highlight of my week. I’ll be tapping in tonight and throughout the day tomorrow. Today’s question is below.
Photo taken by Nneka Julia on 35mm. Chicago, Illinois (2021).
21/100 What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from a failed relationship?
Rarely, if ever, can I bring myself to list just one lesson. I’m a firm believer that contrast remains one of our greatest teachers, revealing who aligns through who doesn’t. Here are seven lessons I wrote and recorded:
Niceness is passive. Easy. It’s the ugly half-smile thing certain people do when walking past strangers. it’s the “Ifeel bad”’s, the thoughts and prayers, the smoke, the signals. Kindness is an active, arduous, life-long practice. Masters of it do not waver in the face of the undeserving for they know it is but a single action that separates the forgiver and the one that needs forgiveness. Use kindness to greet endings with the same tender hand you do beginnings and stop running from difficult conversations.
You can be “loved” into submission. Not everyone who “loves you” wants you large. Whole. They cannot see beyond their own insecurities, their own suffering, their own survival. Try your damndest not to resent them for this.
To gain sisterhood be sisterly. It’s ok to be the first to say hello, to text, call, compliment, reach out. When someone’s on your mind, tell them. If you enjoyed your time, tell them. If you appreciate them, tell them. If you love them, tell them.
Vulnerability is a superpower. Don’t shy away from the darkness in yourself and in others. Those that deny the dark can’t decipher the difference between real and artificial light.
You cannot coach someone out of very real character deficiencies. Acceptance, here, will be as painful as it is necessary.
No friendship, familial relationship, or romance will be in vain. All of them, significant and insignificant, will serve a purpose.
The same wall that keeps out grief, keeps out joy. Remain open to all possibilities.
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned from a failed relationship?
The goodbye was for a reason. I find myself sometimes pondering on this-before, during, and after. This is still a journey for me as I remind myself that the separation was needed to disconnect and connect again with myself.
Nobody should rush your healing journey.Nobody should force you to heal. Nobody should project their insecurities about you and gas light you into thinking you need to change yourself to accommodate them. Someone should love you for who you are, love you through your evolution. Their urgency to change you to accommodate themselves is selfish especially when they infringe their spiritual beliefs on you. Be weary of spiritual manipulation. Give people permission to be who they are
No. 5. Felt that one deep, deep. It's absolutely taught me how to lean into practicing letting ago and acceptance. It's painful yet necessary, especially when it comes to relationships we'd hope would manifest into something beautiful. Nonetheless, I'm a believer it all serves a purpose.
You cannot coach someone out of very real character deficiencies. 😮💨 As a coach and an educator, I needed to see this gentle reminder. There’s a grief that creeps in when I realize this and attempt to meet or (sometimes leave) people where they are.
If everything is all right but the timing is bad, don't sacrifice. Take a step back, focus on yourself. Maybe you both will rekindle the romance when the timing becomes good, maybe not. Don't think about it. Be present, don't anticipate.
Breakups are very painful actually and sometimes we tend to go back critic our selves like we were the only one that contributed to it but regardless breakups teach a ton of lessons like confidence trust me you’ll push yourself to become confident that’s all I had to say. Nneka thanks for the letters you have absolutely beautiful work.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
I’ve recently had a bad breakup and this was so needed and on time and beautiful and devastating and helpful. Thank you. You are a gift.
The goodbye was for a reason. I find myself sometimes pondering on this-before, during, and after. This is still a journey for me as I remind myself that the separation was needed to disconnect and connect again with myself.
The same wall that keeps out grief, keeps out joy.🙌🏾 love this!
i learned to have boundaries and speak up in the moment when someone is rude to me. .
i also learned, sadly that certain ppl were never my true friends💔
Nobody should rush your healing journey.Nobody should force you to heal. Nobody should project their insecurities about you and gas light you into thinking you need to change yourself to accommodate them. Someone should love you for who you are, love you through your evolution. Their urgency to change you to accommodate themselves is selfish especially when they infringe their spiritual beliefs on you. Be weary of spiritual manipulation. Give people permission to be who they are
No. 5. Felt that one deep, deep. It's absolutely taught me how to lean into practicing letting ago and acceptance. It's painful yet necessary, especially when it comes to relationships we'd hope would manifest into something beautiful. Nonetheless, I'm a believer it all serves a purpose.
You cannot coach someone out of very real character deficiencies. 😮💨 As a coach and an educator, I needed to see this gentle reminder. There’s a grief that creeps in when I realize this and attempt to meet or (sometimes leave) people where they are.
If everything is all right but the timing is bad, don't sacrifice. Take a step back, focus on yourself. Maybe you both will rekindle the romance when the timing becomes good, maybe not. Don't think about it. Be present, don't anticipate.
If you bend too far trying to conform to a partner's ideals, you will eventually break
It's around the time I remember a particular relationship that failed..this came in timely. ❤️
Wow! this is so beautifully said. I am pondering on so much right now. Thank you for writing this.
Breakups are very painful actually and sometimes we tend to go back critic our selves like we were the only one that contributed to it but regardless breakups teach a ton of lessons like confidence trust me you’ll push yourself to become confident that’s all I had to say. Nneka thanks for the letters you have absolutely beautiful work.