Hi, friends and strangers alike. Welcome back if you’re an OG subscriber and a warm welcome if you’re new here. Thursday Threads are where I pose a question and we share perspective, experience, and insights in the comments. I always feel immensely grateful to share space with such thoughtful minds and read your responses. I’ll be tapping in tonight tomorrow morning. Today’s question is below!
Photo taken by Nneka Julia on 35mm film. Detroit (2021)
What is the biggest misconception about forgiveness?
I grew up on Fresh Prince and Family Matters. Sister, Sister and Boy Meets World.
Conflict, on all of those shows, was damn near inevitable for the familial, romantic, and friendly relationships to appear realistic. One of the main or peripheral characters would do something “wrong,” there’d be a fallout or argument, and eventually some juicy jaw-dropping monologue would grant or withhold forgiveness within three episodes (max).
Life, unfortunately (and…fortunately?), is no coming-of-age sitcom. I’ve found that the biggest misconception that I had about forgiveness is that the other party must be made aware that they are, in fact, forgiven.
I’ve learned that forgiveness can be as public or as private as you want it to be. This, with time, came as a huge relief.
What is the biggest misconception about forgiveness?
I think that the biggest misconception about forgiveness is that forgiveness needs to be triggered by something, like an apology or a confrontation. In the months before my mom died, I had such a hard time sitting with the idea that she didn’t have the tools to mother me the way I needed to be mothered and now that her cancer was terminal she never would. I felt so angry that I asked her to stop speaking to me for a few weeks. My anger was palpable and present in everything I did and I just wanted it to gtfo.
When I visited her for the last time the month before she died, we joked and laughed and held hands and watched her favorite shows and shared memories. I allowed myself to sit with my feelings of anger and sadness and disappointment and abandonment. I embraced them rather than feeling ashamed of them and I stayed present with them instead of numbing them or pushing them away. We didn’t talk about it, but when I hugged her goodbye for the last time I knew I’d forgiven her for not being what I’d needed her to be. And she knew it too.
The biggest misconception I've had about forgiveness is the ceremony behind it. I'd liken it to the absolution that comes with catholic confessions. Regret, shame, confession and an audible absolution with a side of penance afterwards.
Real life isnt as linear. Absolution starts with the self.
I've learned that forgiveness has favorites. It can even be silent, and even then doesn't require penance. In the echo chamber of my own anxiety (as a child, anger/ unforgiveness was always levied against me in the form of silence) I've learned to audibly forgive myself in order to get on with it, even if I don't hear it from the place I seek it.
Religion (or the people? 🤔) made me see forgiveness as giving the offender a clean slate—as if they never did it. The good ol’ “Forgive & Forget”, which you don’t do one without the other, right? Of course that posed some problems when the offence was repeated and the hurt reinstated because no personal parameters were set. A con of the forget part. My principle now is I forgive I do not forget. I do overlook though.
Oooo another one was that if you asked for forgiveness you should be forgiven lol. That you were entitled to it.
For me, that it has to be on a schedule. That not aspiring to forgiveness after being wronged is something to feel guilty about which is very ironic considering you’re the one wronged. That it is the solution to an injustice. I think this is commonly seen where justice is hard to come by.
I’ve learnt that forgiveness can take its own time and I choose to give space to everything on the journey to that moment without feeling like I owe forgiveness to someone and if someone suggests that they’d feel better with my forgiveness I suggest that they try responsibility instead.
The biggest misconception in my opinion is that forgiveness = re-entry into someone’s life. It doesn’t. I forgive for me + my peace but that does not mean things go back to how they used to be (unless that’s what I want) I can forgive someone and still not want them back in my life. This of course applies when I am the one being forgiven as well.
I think the biggest misconception to forgiveness is forgetting!!! You can forgive someone and yourself but you’ll will always have the memories. Some people truly believe to forgive is to forget is the same! And it’s completely two different experiences. But forgiveness is the first step towards healing
My biggest conception about forgiveness is that it is attached to some "absolute goodness" about self. That my capacity to forgive, even when not ready makes me a better person. This has in the past left me with so much confusion about my anger, trauma & other 'negative' emotions that should be allowed to flow first to allow myself true forgiveness. I'm learning that forgiveness has no 3 day timeline. The timeline is my own with genuine honesty & room for all other emotions to flow. & forgiveness does not equal RECONCILIATION. & SOMETIMES FORGIVENESS IS BEST IN THE SECRET OF YOUR SOLITUDE.
I’ve recently learned that you are allowed to forgive when you truly feel ready to do so, if you ever do. I was taught growing up that you “have to say sorry, kiss and make up” instantly when neither of you want to look at each other. I took this learning into adulthood and thought that I had to forgive everyone for everything, no matter how big or how small. This, in my humble adult opinion, isn’t true.
Forgiving someone means truly putting what happened behind you and being able to look at that same person that hurt you with clean eyes. Sometimes we’ll be able to forgive silently and move on, but sometimes we won’t. And that’s ok too. If you don’t feel like you’re able to forgive and move on with that person in your life, you’d be doing yourself (and the other person) a favor by being honest and saying your not ready yet.
The biggest misconception is that time will always heal wounds. Sometimes we aren't fully able to forgive someone but more so move on with our lives. I also think when we do forgive someone, we may still feel the stings of pain. Lastly, I think forgiving ourselves and giving ourselves grace is one of life's most important lessons.
I think that the biggest misconception about forgiveness is that forgiveness needs to be triggered by something, like an apology or a confrontation. In the months before my mom died, I had such a hard time sitting with the idea that she didn’t have the tools to mother me the way I needed to be mothered and now that her cancer was terminal she never would. I felt so angry that I asked her to stop speaking to me for a few weeks. My anger was palpable and present in everything I did and I just wanted it to gtfo.
When I visited her for the last time the month before she died, we joked and laughed and held hands and watched her favorite shows and shared memories. I allowed myself to sit with my feelings of anger and sadness and disappointment and abandonment. I embraced them rather than feeling ashamed of them and I stayed present with them instead of numbing them or pushing them away. We didn’t talk about it, but when I hugged her goodbye for the last time I knew I’d forgiven her for not being what I’d needed her to be. And she knew it too.
The biggest misconception, to me, is that forgiveness equals reconnecting. It doesn't.
The biggest misconception I've had about forgiveness is the ceremony behind it. I'd liken it to the absolution that comes with catholic confessions. Regret, shame, confession and an audible absolution with a side of penance afterwards.
Real life isnt as linear. Absolution starts with the self.
I've learned that forgiveness has favorites. It can even be silent, and even then doesn't require penance. In the echo chamber of my own anxiety (as a child, anger/ unforgiveness was always levied against me in the form of silence) I've learned to audibly forgive myself in order to get on with it, even if I don't hear it from the place I seek it.
Hey,
Religion (or the people? 🤔) made me see forgiveness as giving the offender a clean slate—as if they never did it. The good ol’ “Forgive & Forget”, which you don’t do one without the other, right? Of course that posed some problems when the offence was repeated and the hurt reinstated because no personal parameters were set. A con of the forget part. My principle now is I forgive I do not forget. I do overlook though.
Oooo another one was that if you asked for forgiveness you should be forgiven lol. That you were entitled to it.
For me, that it has to be on a schedule. That not aspiring to forgiveness after being wronged is something to feel guilty about which is very ironic considering you’re the one wronged. That it is the solution to an injustice. I think this is commonly seen where justice is hard to come by.
I’ve learnt that forgiveness can take its own time and I choose to give space to everything on the journey to that moment without feeling like I owe forgiveness to someone and if someone suggests that they’d feel better with my forgiveness I suggest that they try responsibility instead.
That forgiveness must lead to repairing a relationship.
The biggest misconception in my opinion is that forgiveness = re-entry into someone’s life. It doesn’t. I forgive for me + my peace but that does not mean things go back to how they used to be (unless that’s what I want) I can forgive someone and still not want them back in my life. This of course applies when I am the one being forgiven as well.
I think the biggest misconception to forgiveness is forgetting!!! You can forgive someone and yourself but you’ll will always have the memories. Some people truly believe to forgive is to forget is the same! And it’s completely two different experiences. But forgiveness is the first step towards healing
That forgiveness is an easy, one time thing. You have to KEEP choosing to forgive someone, much like love, forgiveness is a decision to be made daily.
My biggest conception about forgiveness is that it is attached to some "absolute goodness" about self. That my capacity to forgive, even when not ready makes me a better person. This has in the past left me with so much confusion about my anger, trauma & other 'negative' emotions that should be allowed to flow first to allow myself true forgiveness. I'm learning that forgiveness has no 3 day timeline. The timeline is my own with genuine honesty & room for all other emotions to flow. & forgiveness does not equal RECONCILIATION. & SOMETIMES FORGIVENESS IS BEST IN THE SECRET OF YOUR SOLITUDE.
I’ve recently learned that you are allowed to forgive when you truly feel ready to do so, if you ever do. I was taught growing up that you “have to say sorry, kiss and make up” instantly when neither of you want to look at each other. I took this learning into adulthood and thought that I had to forgive everyone for everything, no matter how big or how small. This, in my humble adult opinion, isn’t true.
Forgiving someone means truly putting what happened behind you and being able to look at that same person that hurt you with clean eyes. Sometimes we’ll be able to forgive silently and move on, but sometimes we won’t. And that’s ok too. If you don’t feel like you’re able to forgive and move on with that person in your life, you’d be doing yourself (and the other person) a favor by being honest and saying your not ready yet.
The biggest misconception is that time will always heal wounds. Sometimes we aren't fully able to forgive someone but more so move on with our lives. I also think when we do forgive someone, we may still feel the stings of pain. Lastly, I think forgiving ourselves and giving ourselves grace is one of life's most important lessons.
Love this so much, Nneka!