013. You Can't Change Them.

Are you not tired?

We wanted so desperately to save each other.
Friendship is the stuff of salvation.
—Clarice Lispector

13/100: What’s one of the toughest truths you’ve had to accept?

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I started this piece a year after consoling a friend in the front seat of a Toyota Corolla. She was hyperventilating over the married man she’d fallen for. He admitted he loved her, but would never leave his wife or child. After days of crying and comforting, I told her he wouldn’t be her last, that she would eventually get over it, that this pain would be but a distant memory.

She waited a few weeks before calling me cold, telling me that’s not what friends say to friends.

Hindsight shows you how strong your own projections can be. I wanted a big sister so badly, piecing together the little scraps of wisdom I’d find in TV or movies. One cousin, tired of seeing me sleep and starve, told me I could do better than my current boyfriend, that there would be plenty of loves after what I thought was my first and only.

I clung to those words like a life raft.

I’m still accepting that not everyone needs or wants the same kind of advice or counsel, and that no amount of loving, yelling, or begging can fundamentally change anyone. I’m also accepting that it hasn’t gotten easier, and likely never will get easier, watching your people shrink, and deny, and destroy.

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Are you not tired?

of standing for nothing
of falling for everything
of walking the 100 miles in Mary Oliver’s poem
suffering, repenting, on the soft of your knees
of making men your center
of only reaching for pleasure
of fighting yourself,
of fooling yourself
of blaming everyone else
of envy eating your insides
of your word being worthless
of affirmation without action
of changing your bio before your behavior
of posting a selfie
of posting a self-care quote
of counting the likes,
of refreshing the likes
of hiding the likes,
of praying they call you pretty
of weaponizing vulnerability
of pretending the mask will last
of pretending bridges build by aesethic will hold
of claiming your want legacy
of claiming you want community
of claiming you want accountability
of claiming you care
of laughing when they say laugh
of clapping when they say clap
of denying the dark
of never questioning
of rarely reciprocating
of being terrified to stumble
of being terrified to try,
of doing the same gotdamn thing over and over
hoping, expecting, demanding
a different result.

Are you not tired?

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13/100: What’s one of the toughest truths you’ve had to accept?

Thank you for watching, reading, and listening. I’m looking forward to reading your answers to this one, friends.

“Save You / The Text I Didn’t Send”
Writer / Director: Nneka Julia
AD / Producer: Gabriel Freeman
DP: $eck
Music Director: Cortney Alexander
Talent: Jayani Jalese & Eros Alen
Extras: Nyla Blu & Deborah Raji

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