boundaries for me have recently been a way of saying I love you directly. That I want to have a relationship with you , but these are the "terms" if you will. I have been stuck in a deep swirl of people pleasing all my life. Constantly shifting to assess and regulate myself based on someone else's mood and not wanting to take up space all the while letting myself be willfully oppressed. One of my favorite people says that "courage is a muscle". The thing you are often afraid to say, in advocacy of yourself, isn't half as scary in practice as it is in thought. I have found respect in my boundary setting as much as I have (for cultural reasons) found resistance.
I've since shifted from a place of grief and guilt to a place of acceptance with boundaries. Sometimes the loving thing I've begun to say is "this is where I leave you" rather than attempt to barrel through a brick wall.
First born daughters unite here! This year I’ve prioritised boundary setting and who has access to my space and time. It’s difficult because guilt often seeps in, but through therapy I understand that boundaries do not equate to unforgiveness or bitterness. It’s necessary! Also whilst the elders don’t want to admit it, we’re now adults! So what we tolerate will show the generations to come that certain behaviours are acceptable and that is not ok for me! So I stick with feeling uncomfortable so that the generations to come, grow up with ease and clarity not forced submission and silent sufferings.
Thank you for sharing this. I can't begin to say just how much being assertive is saving me in my adult life. I extend a hug to my younger self who didn't know how to ask for what she needed.
Something I would write down my notebooks when I felt my boundaries slipping or people pleasing becoming too much is this: You're a person to please too!!! That helped me to remember to add myself to the list of people I wanted to be happy with me.
I practice aggression to the point it blows up everyone else's life. Yo, the visuals on the publications here are tough! I think the future of prose will have a component of video in a way that this creator is on top of.
Damn. Needed this reminder. I’ve been bringing back the truth that “you teach people how to treat you,” in every interaction. It’s a hard pill to swallow but also incredibly empowering ❤️
Hun I relate to this WORD FOR WORD. im also the eldest daughter. And this is my lesson for the past 4 years though i am getting better and better at speaking up for myself. im 31 now enough is enough INDEED it eats at your insides. i just posted about the same thing about how i played a role in my suffering by not SPEAKING UP. im now working on releasing resentments that i do not want to last because now the resentments are what eat me up. Today i must simply speak up desite the fear.
this is a great phrase "wish upon-a-star-ass-thinking "
boundaries are something I'm still learning after a lifetime of having zero to none. Zero put in place, none respected by my family. I still feel guilt when expressing boundaries because I'm projecting that others will be mad at me for stating my needs.
When you cannot expect people to treat you in a civil way anymore, you have to set boundaries. If you do it in a respectful way people will usually get it.
I’ve found myself saying no to things and people, the guilt still lingers making me feel bad but I don’t change my decision, which was not the case before. And that book has been a contributor to how I navigate boundaries in my relationships. Great job, this was amazing ❤️❤️
As a fellow Ada, I felt this.
I’ve learnt to say no. The guilt is still hanging about but it’s better than the resentment. I don’t want more resentment.
“the guilt is sill hanging but it’s better than the resentment” shewwww. saving this 🤎 nwanne m thank you
sounds like “2 truths can co-exist” 🔥🔥
Fellow Ada reporting live...
boundaries for me have recently been a way of saying I love you directly. That I want to have a relationship with you , but these are the "terms" if you will. I have been stuck in a deep swirl of people pleasing all my life. Constantly shifting to assess and regulate myself based on someone else's mood and not wanting to take up space all the while letting myself be willfully oppressed. One of my favorite people says that "courage is a muscle". The thing you are often afraid to say, in advocacy of yourself, isn't half as scary in practice as it is in thought. I have found respect in my boundary setting as much as I have (for cultural reasons) found resistance.
I've since shifted from a place of grief and guilt to a place of acceptance with boundaries. Sometimes the loving thing I've begun to say is "this is where I leave you" rather than attempt to barrel through a brick wall.
COURAGE IS A MUSCLE YES THANK YOU FOR THESE REMINDERS
Beautifully framed
PHEWWWWWW. You blew it out the water hermana. This is gold. Something I’m being reminded of lately is that boundaries are a love language too.
mi hermanaaa means the world coming from you! and you always got the gemssss man. a love language indeed ❤️
YOU GOT THE GEMS! Big love! 😘
this is the kind of film I’m on Substack for, beautiful, stunning, and true
you’re the best, Amani! thank you 🥹❤️
you took the words right out of where it was scattered in my head. Thanks for articulating it well.
If i’m going to watch videos on substack they have to be this good!
Agree
First born daughters unite here! This year I’ve prioritised boundary setting and who has access to my space and time. It’s difficult because guilt often seeps in, but through therapy I understand that boundaries do not equate to unforgiveness or bitterness. It’s necessary! Also whilst the elders don’t want to admit it, we’re now adults! So what we tolerate will show the generations to come that certain behaviours are acceptable and that is not ok for me! So I stick with feeling uncomfortable so that the generations to come, grow up with ease and clarity not forced submission and silent sufferings.
Agreed
❤️❤️❤️
Learning to sit in the discomfort and communicating my needs in an assertive and kind way has been the most essential shift. Big love ❤️
Thank you for sharing this. I can't begin to say just how much being assertive is saving me in my adult life. I extend a hug to my younger self who didn't know how to ask for what she needed.
Something I would write down my notebooks when I felt my boundaries slipping or people pleasing becoming too much is this: You're a person to please too!!! That helped me to remember to add myself to the list of people I wanted to be happy with me.
You’re a person to please TOO. Omg yes.
I practice aggression to the point it blows up everyone else's life. Yo, the visuals on the publications here are tough! I think the future of prose will have a component of video in a way that this creator is on top of.
Damn. Needed this reminder. I’ve been bringing back the truth that “you teach people how to treat you,” in every interaction. It’s a hard pill to swallow but also incredibly empowering ❤️
Hun I relate to this WORD FOR WORD. im also the eldest daughter. And this is my lesson for the past 4 years though i am getting better and better at speaking up for myself. im 31 now enough is enough INDEED it eats at your insides. i just posted about the same thing about how i played a role in my suffering by not SPEAKING UP. im now working on releasing resentments that i do not want to last because now the resentments are what eat me up. Today i must simply speak up desite the fear.
this is a great phrase "wish upon-a-star-ass-thinking "
boundaries are something I'm still learning after a lifetime of having zero to none. Zero put in place, none respected by my family. I still feel guilt when expressing boundaries because I'm projecting that others will be mad at me for stating my needs.
your essay is helpful and relatable, thank you.
When you cannot expect people to treat you in a civil way anymore, you have to set boundaries. If you do it in a respectful way people will usually get it.
I’ve found myself saying no to things and people, the guilt still lingers making me feel bad but I don’t change my decision, which was not the case before. And that book has been a contributor to how I navigate boundaries in my relationships. Great job, this was amazing ❤️❤️
by sitting with the anxiety and discomfort and guilt of setting and enforcing boundaries. shit’s hard but it’s got to be done.
now, how to anonymously send this video to parents? asking for a friend ofc 🥲