002. What you allow, you teach.
I’ve practiced passivity to the point of blow ups my entire life.
2/100: How are you navigating boundaries this season? What advice would you give?
Dear Jessica,
Saying “NO” wasn’t a big part of my upbringing.
Not as the Eldest daughter. The Ada.
It was always YES.
Yes, Mom.
Yes, Dad.
Yes, Sir.
Yes, Ma’am.
Yes to elders pinching the soft of your arm, demanding more drink or chinchin.
Yes to coaches that bench you and blatantly play politics.
Yes to biased teachers and shitty supervisors.
Yes to endless requests from siblings and cousins.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, you obey.
Yes, you comply.
Yes, you submit.
Yes, you don’t openly question.
Yes, this is how you show respect…to others.
Thankfully, with time, age, experience, and my personal boundaries bloodied by decades of obeying, complying, and submitting, I finally started asking the question: How do I show respect to myself?
"What you allow, you teach.”
At least that’s what my mentor in college told me. Back then I didn’t understand that the “what you allow” part requires a careful examination of all the cracks in your so-called boundaries where you repeatedly let things slip to save face.
Over the last 5 years, the cracks in my so-called boundaries have split at the center, causing me to take a serious look at my part to play in the erosion. And before rebuilding anything I’ve had to face the fact that I’ve wrongfully expected people to read my mind because if they were better friends, family members, and complete strangers they would change their behavior without their behavior having to be addressed. This wish upon-a-star-ass-thinking has proven to be both ineffective and unreasonable.
So that means I’ve had to open my mouth and use real words and say how I feel with clarity and assertiveness when I’ve practiced passivity to the point of blow-ups my entire life.
Advice I’ve found helpful:
Feelings of guilt and guessing how the other person will feel or react are all familiar waters on the path to clearer, healthier boundaries. Don’t let the initial discomfort deter you from having the conversation.
Make small shifts in your language when addressing a behavior. Instead of using “I’d like” use assertive language, “I want, I need, I expect.”
This boundaries shit is hard, but I don’t want to harbor unnecessary resentment anymore.
It eats away at your insides.
Love,
Nneka
2/100: How are you navigating boundaries this season? What advice would you give?
Thank you for watching, reading, listening. I’m looking forward to reading your answers for this one, friends.
As a fellow Ada, I felt this.
I’ve learnt to say no. The guilt is still hanging about but it’s better than the resentment. I don’t want more resentment.
Fellow Ada reporting live...
boundaries for me have recently been a way of saying I love you directly. That I want to have a relationship with you , but these are the "terms" if you will. I have been stuck in a deep swirl of people pleasing all my life. Constantly shifting to assess and regulate myself based on someone else's mood and not wanting to take up space all the while letting myself be willfully oppressed. One of my favorite people says that "courage is a muscle". The thing you are often afraid to say, in advocacy of yourself, isn't half as scary in practice as it is in thought. I have found respect in my boundary setting as much as I have (for cultural reasons) found resistance.
I've since shifted from a place of grief and guilt to a place of acceptance with boundaries. Sometimes the loving thing I've begun to say is "this is where I leave you" rather than attempt to barrel through a brick wall.