The Awakening
June 23’
6/2: 33 days until my 33rd birthday. What a blessing to be alive this long. No wishes, no predictions. I only look to keep my word to myself.
6/9: “Finish something. Anything. Stop researching, planning, and preparing to do the work and just do the work. It doesn’t matter how good or how bad it is. You don’t need to set the world on fire with your first try. You just need to prove to yourself that you have what it takes to produce something. There are no artists, athletes, entrepreneurs, or scientists who became great by half-finishing their work. Stop debating what you should make and just make something.”
—James Clear
If you’re bored with the current landscape of trending sounds and templated content, I beg you to make something different. there must be a counterweight. your art is worth creating, worth sharing.
6/10: "I was waiting for something extraordinary to happen, but as the years wasted on, nothing ever did unless I caused it.” —Charles Bukowski
July
7/1: I know I want the first shot of the “To The Few” print video to be an overhead shot, me looking directly into the camera, opening my eyes. That’s how writing the piece felt, like an awakening.
7/2: “You are under no obligation to remain the same person you were a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. You are here to create yourself, continuously.”
—Richard Feynman
7/16: I heard someone say, “Do it raggedy” and it’s become my new motto. Do it scared, do it tired, do it raggedy, do it now. The time will pass anyway. Consistent, raggedy attempts will always beat no attempts at all.
7/30: Yes, community is overused but Glynn and I want to build a community for artists beyond the screen. We’ve been to a few shows around the city and are talking about putting together a live storytelling event in October. I know we can do this shit better than everyone else.
August
8/5: Are you not tired?
Of standing for nothing
Of falling for everything
Of walking the 100 miles in Mary Oliver’s poem
suffering, repenting, on the soft of your knees
Of making men your center
Of only reaching for pleasure
Of running from discomfort
Of fighting yourself
Of fooling yourself
Of blaming everyone else
Of envy eating your insides
Of your word being worthless
Of affirmation without action
Of changing your avatar more than your behavior
Of begging strangers for validation
Of posting a selfie
Of posting a self-care quote
Of posting a selfie and a self-care quote in a photo dump
Of counting the likes
Of refreshing the likes
Of hiding the likes
Of hoping it makes you whole
Of weaponizing vulnerability
Of pretending the mask will last
Of pretending the bridges built by aesthetics will hold
Of saying “it’s not that deep”
Of claiming you want “legacy”
Of claiming you want “community”
Of claiming you want “accountability”
Of claiming you care
Of laughing when they say laugh
Of clapping when they say clap
Of denying the dark
Of never questioning
Of rarely reciprocating
Of being terrified to stumble
Of being terrified to try
Of being terrified to be seen
Of doing the same gotdamn thing over and over
hoping, expecting, demanding
a different result
Are you not tired?
8/21: “What would happen if one woman told the truth about her life?
The world would split open.”
“I am working out the vocabulary of my silence.”
―Muriel Rukeyser
September
9/11: I was at dinner yesterday on the outdoor patio of an overpriced Italian spot in Chelsea. There were two friends to my left, smartly dressed, grays sweeping their shoulders.
The woman took a bite of her bread, paused, asked the man across from her,
Did you let love in?
He nodded, eyes fixed on the black pepper bits in his olive oil.
Good, she said, never breaking her gaze. Because I’ve spent the majority of my life chasing people and things that didn’t want me and rejecting those that did. Nothing and no one was ever enough. It’s something I wish I would’ve learned sooner: how to let love in.
9/30: Paris was perfect. Actually perfect.
October
10/4: How many warnings must you receive from philosophers, elders, guardians, and gurus that you must be mindful of the quality of the hands that clap?
10/15: If you’re going to make shit that sticks to people’s ribs you have to go against the grain.
10/19: We wrapped up our first live show yesterday. This was just an idea a few months ago. A conversation. Scribbles on notebooks. Release 001 was a dream actualized! And we’re just getting started.
10/20: ”The biggest lie that jealousy tells us is that we have no choice but to be jealous. Jealousy strips us of our will to act when action holds the key to our freedom.” —Julia Cameron
November
11/4: “There are going to be people in your life who change your trajectory. They’re going to walk into your life for a moment, a lifetime, or anytime in between. And they’re going to disrupt something in your life. They’ll challenge you, they’ll shake your beliefs, they’ll trigger you, and then stand by you as you work through your healing. These people will teach you and be taught by you. You’ll dance and play. You’ll see the softer sides that others ‘don’t get to see. They’ll lay down markers on your life’s timeline. Markers that roar “I was here.” Pre me. Post me. They’re the life changers. The good type of change. Not the one that takes you away from yourself… but the one that brings you home. “—Vienna Pharaon
11/10: I’ve started my “streak.” Actions that ground me, bring me back to center. The “streak” will consist of 3 small and simple disciplines:
1. Morning pages (3 pages of longhand brain drain per day)
2. Movement (30 min or more of movement per day)
2. Creation (1 creative act per day)
Cortney has a calendar to put Xs on. I’ll ask him tonight if he can print me one, too.
December
12/1: The day you start doesn’t matter, the decision does.
12/13: If you’re in a circle of people who’re afraid to be seen trying it’s worth expanding beyond it. Nothing can grow there.
12/26: Day 50. I have not missed a single day of executing on all 3 disciplines. I’m so damn proud of you.
12/31: I’m so thankful for how this year has unfolded, for what has yet to unfold. Every trial and tribulation, every triumph, has been a blessing. I’m ending the year with a level of clarity I didn’t know existed. I know what I must do. I know what I must do.
If you’ve made it this far, thank you.
If you’ve made it this far, please keep the notes, and the scribbles, and the rambles, and the photos, and the good, bad, ugly. With each passing year, I’m starting to understand Derek Walcott’s poem “Love after Love.” Feasting on one’s life isn’t just about savoring the good bits. All that we were, all that we are, is what makes it a feast in the first place.
I have so much planned for this space in the next 365, including finishing the project that started this lovely lil’ corner of the internets.
Your support means the world.
Stay tuned,
Nneka
One of the best year-in-reviews yet. And kuddos for abandoning the idea this has to be done in January. Process takes time. This was wonderful.
So much of what you share is deeply resonant within my soul. Love After Love is one of my favourite poems, particularly that last line “Sit. Feast on your life.”
It is something every single day I wake I set out to do. Thank you for sharing, thank you for reminding me to go against the grain. Thank you.