Oh! I soooo relate to this, fellow eldest daughter.
One thing I try to keep in mind is compassion. I realized recently both of my parents come from households where boundaries were a foreign concept, nonexistent. They literally do not understand them in the family dynamic. It’s so tempting to bemoan them & get frustrated- but I have to remember I am breaking this generational pattern.
So for example, I have a family member I love dearly who is struggling with alcoholism. At this point, cutting them out of my life completely is not what I want to do. They’ve been struggling with alcoholism for 20 years. I was the first person who ever said to them: I will not be around you when you drink. And that includes holidays, birthdays, etc. Again, no one had thought to say this, because that’s not what my family does....
I was fortunate they responded so well (they have relapsed sense then), but I think because I said: “because I love you, I HAVE to set this boundary” it was more effective than if I approached it less compassionately.
Boundaries ARE an act of love. Most importantly, for yourself. I love myself too much to be anxious and worried all the time about someone else’s addiction. Hell, I care about their sobriety more than they do. But I also love them too much to let them suffer without raising a point. No, I can’t take on their healing, their journey. Only they can do the work they have to do. But by setting the boundary, I am loving them and myself more deeply. And then when I set the boundary, I can distance myself from the situation, because I’ve said what I need.
Obviously this situation would look different with a friend or a partner, but I find family boundaries the hardest.
Oh! I soooo relate to this, fellow eldest daughter.
One thing I try to keep in mind is compassion. I realized recently both of my parents come from households where boundaries were a foreign concept, nonexistent. They literally do not understand them in the family dynamic. It’s so tempting to bemoan them & get frustrated- but I have to remember I am breaking this generational pattern.
So for example, I have a family member I love dearly who is struggling with alcoholism. At this point, cutting them out of my life completely is not what I want to do. They’ve been struggling with alcoholism for 20 years. I was the first person who ever said to them: I will not be around you when you drink. And that includes holidays, birthdays, etc. Again, no one had thought to say this, because that’s not what my family does....
I was fortunate they responded so well (they have relapsed sense then), but I think because I said: “because I love you, I HAVE to set this boundary” it was more effective than if I approached it less compassionately.
Boundaries ARE an act of love. Most importantly, for yourself. I love myself too much to be anxious and worried all the time about someone else’s addiction. Hell, I care about their sobriety more than they do. But I also love them too much to let them suffer without raising a point. No, I can’t take on their healing, their journey. Only they can do the work they have to do. But by setting the boundary, I am loving them and myself more deeply. And then when I set the boundary, I can distance myself from the situation, because I’ve said what I need.
Obviously this situation would look different with a friend or a partner, but I find family boundaries the hardest.